Do you find yourself constantly worrying about what people think? Perhaps not doing something because of a fear of what people will say? You’re not alone – it’s normal and healthy to care what people think until, well, it’s not.
Learn why you care what people think and how to figure out what to keep and what to let go of.
Why Do We Care What People Think?
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“No man is an island entire of itself.”
– John Donne
We evolved to survive better in groups so it’s in our nature to want to feel accepted. It’s a natural measure of your success to seek the respect, good thoughts, and trust of your peers – it is written in your DNA.
According to Tom Ferry, the need for approval has been conditioned in us since birth: “Approval from others gives us a higher sense of self-esteem. We’re convinced that their recognition matters to our self-worth and how deeply we value ourselves.”
A study by the University of Michigan in the United States found that parts of the brain activated when you experience social rejection are the same parts activated when you feel physical pain!
The irony is that what starts out as an effort to ensure our acceptance and happiness can end up having the opposite effect. When you start putting more weight on what others think about you than what you think yourself, it may be time to have a look at how you filter what you’re hearing. It’s healthy to care, but not to change who you are solely based on others’ opinions.
Why Do Some People Care More Than Others?
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“Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity, and change.”
– Brene Brown
Some of us care more about what others think.
How we experience the world is based on the stories we tell ourselves. We even subconsciously attract relationships and experiences that validate these. If you’re already feeling vulnerable or talk negatively to yourself, being judged is like having your worst fears about yourself confirmed.
Focusing on perfection in our competitive comparison culture or traumas from growing up with a parent or caregiver who was particularly critical are other possible reasons why you care more about what others think.
The value of the relationship matters, too. A throwaway comment from a stranger shouldn’t matter as much as truthful input from a trusted friend or loved one. This is where your filter and judgment help (more about that soon).
How Caring What Others Think Holds You Back
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Whatever the root cause, some people are more sensitive to criticism and judgment. As a result, they may take things personal and ruminate on comments, etc. for days, weeks, or even years.
Caring too much about what people think can lead to people-pleasing, exhaustion, and losing yourself. You might become anxious over being judged wherever you go – too afraid to get out and enjoy life. Instead of living as your true self, you’re focused on avoiding shame and criticism by not standing out. Trying to be “cool enough, rich enough, or attractive enough”.
But, it’s okay to be vulnerable or to make a mistake – that’s life! Brene Brown has an incredible TedTalk on shame and vulnerability that you should check out. If you have a lot of negative self-talk, learn how to overcome your self-limiting beliefs to upgrade your life.
Caring Isn’t Always A Bad Thing
“…those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”
– Dr. Seuss
By valuing the opinions of those who are close to you and have your respect, you’re forming important relationships. Trusted feedback is also needed from time to time and can help you to become a better person, develop your career, your relationships, and more.
It also makes sense to care, to a degree, about how your behavior affects others. Whether you’re mindful of your clothing when visiting a religious site or attuned to comments from your loved ones about your short temper. Being aware of how others perceive you is a part of functioning in society.
How To Stop Caring What People Think
It may not be possible, or even practical, to completely stop caring what people think. But it’s helpful to work on being yourself and not putting too much weight on what others, particularly strangers, think of you. Because there’s a good chance that they don’t think of you at all!
Even hugely successful people confess struggling with this. Film star, Jennifer Lawrence admits she avoids reading her film reviews because she gets defensive when she reads negative reviews, “It’s so bizarre because you’re so in the zone, you put your whole soul and body, you move to shoot a movie, and you then love it, obviously because you wouldn’t be there if you didn’t love it, and then people just destroy it”,
Here are some practical tips for not worrying too much about what people think.
Mind Your Thinking
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Be mindful of your thoughts: don’t over-analyze or jump to conclusions. Take some time to question why you’re concerned about what others will think – you may find that you’re worrying about something that is only in your mind.
Some questions to ask yourself:
• Do I care what people think or am I worrying about what people think?
• Who is speaking or thinking this? A trusted friend or someone who doesn’t know me?
• Am I seeking to learn more about myself through others or seeking validation and approval?
• Is this the truth or someone’s opinion?
Let go of perfection
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It doesn’t exist. Perfection is an illusion that exists in social media filters and Instagram-styled bedrooms. It has no place in real life. If you’re constantly striving for an unattainable unreality, you’re setting yourself up for misery. Work towards what makes you happy and forget the rest.
Use logic and stop comparing yourself to others
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Using the success of others as inspiration can work well as long as you remember that you’re not that person, you’re you. Ask yourself how long it took that person to gain their success and how much work they put in to achieve it. When you find yourself on a comparison spiral, take a moment to recenter yourself and your goals. Use competition and comparison only as a motivator, not as a scale.
Find your tribe
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Human beings are social creatures. We find value and acceptance in groups or communities. Nurture relationships with people who value you rather than judge. Where you can be the best version of yourself without fear of what others are thinking. Your tribe is also the best gauge for feedback when you’re feeling uncertain.
Get to know yourself
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This is an important one. By getting to know yourself: your likes and dislikes, your philosophies and beliefs, you’re forming a version of yourself that is authentic and not based on what others think. Practice self-acceptance of the incredible person that you are. This makes it easier to not take things too personal. There’s nobody quite like you. You’re wonderfully imperfect.
Keep things in perspective
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It’s important to keep perspective. Most people are too busy with their own lives/problems/worries to be concerned with what you’re doing. Nobody knows your life as you do or what’s best for you, so their opinion shouldn’t count as much as yours. Life is too short to worry about what everyone else is thinking and doing, especially since we can’t control what anyone else says or thinks. Keep the focus on yourself.
“If you are insecure, guess what? The rest of the world is, too. Do not overestimate the competition and underestimate yourself. You are better than you think.”
– Timothy Ferriss
In Conclusion, See It For What It Is: Opinions
So, while seeking approval from others and caring about what they think may be inevitable as we live and thrive in community, problems can arise when you put too much stock into what others think and feel. If you find yourself biting back a quirky comment or worrying about how you’ll look in a bikini on that beach on Ilhabela, remember this: in the end, you’re the one who lives with yourself and all your wonderful glorious imperfections. You’re the one following your heart and your dreams, and you’re the only one who can be you – so, as much as possible, be yourself, follow your intuition and take input from others for what it is: their opinion, not yours!
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